This August has been, without a doubt, the craziest August I have ever experienced, as well as one of the craziest months I have ever experienced. Whether I was preparing for the school year (which is now in full-swing), taking care of kids (which has only gotten more exhausting, if possible, as the school year has begun), or driving the family out to Chicago for vacation (I think I came back more tired than when I left), I have been incredibly busy. I have had fun, no doubt, because I am continually thankful that I am surrounded by truly wonderful people. I have found so much of these experiences rewarding, watching the girls continue to grow and being able to share in their happiness and new experiences. I am felt pride at all of the hard work I have been putting in to so many things. There's been positive and negative, of course, but overall, it's been worth it.
I just haven't been able to be a nerd.
Despite the general positivity of my life, I still wish I had time for my video games, my movies, my TV shows and my books. I find myself looking longingly at the abandoned video game consoles that surround my TV which, of course, tends to already be in use when I walk in the room. I stare at my DVD collection, with Dexter staring back, wishing that I had more than 20 minutes to myself at any given time. I read nerdy news at io9 and Kotaku and realize they are discussing movies and shows that I said ages ago I would watch and experience but have been unable to do so. I brought a book with me on vacation - The More Than Complete Hitchhiker's Guide - and read none of it while I was away. None of it.
I had a conversation with a colleague today about the new Star Wars movie. He asked me if I had been reading any of the news coming out about it. Nope.
I looked at movie times at theaters while on vacation and found somewhere Ant-Man was still playing. I thought, "Hey, maybe my wife and I will have some time to go and see it!" Nope.
I got some major inspiration for one of the stories I had been writing, one that involves warring superheroes in an urban environment. I was driving some mindless stretch of highway between Maine and Illinois when I finally figured out where to take the story next. I thought I might have some time to work on it. Nope.
My students asked me if I had spent any time on Twitch this summer, broadcasting my video game prowess for the world to admire. Nope.
I appear to have opened up the flood gates - the bitterness has poured forth for my mass of readers (and by mass, I mean three or four, of course) to consume and bathe in. The space inside me reserved for my nerdy endeavors has been emptied of all that once filled it, cleared of all of the wonderful characters and creatures that help sustain me through many of life's difficulties. Mario's voice feels foreign, the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. haven't led me along the periphery of the Marvel Universe in months, and my hands, my glorious gaming hands, haven't felt the gentle touch of a controller for some inhuman, horrible amount of time. "How can he live?" many of you might ask. And I might respond, "I know not how I continue along my path, how I sustain myself without the love of that most tempting of mistresses, the universe of nerdiness."
I am, of course, being just a tad melodramatic. I know exactly how I have sustained myself - I have the love of my beautiful, supportive and talented wife. I have two foster daughters depending on me to help get them through what is easily going to be the hardest part of their lives. I have wonderful family and friends whose company I enjoy quite regularly. I have a job that, despite my frustrations with it at times, feels rewarding in the end. I have a lot of things going for me, and I let them keep me going. I don't "need" my nerdy interests to live - I've got the things in life that I've always wanted.
That doesn't mean I am going to tolerate a complete absence of my nerdy interests - we all need our hobbies to sustain us when other things are stressful or difficult. For that reason, I actually managed to watch an episode of Dexter this evening. Yeah, you heard that right - I watched something! I was quite pleased that I could continue on my quest to rate every episode of Dexter (although being just a little over halfway through season 2 is disheartening). So, there is hope that I can still be a nerd, even if it isn't quite to the same extent as before.
So, as I go to bed (I might be able to read a chapter before sleeping - success!), I am going to do what I have been doing to get through the busiest time in my life - I am going to think about the people and things in my life that make me happy, thank some higher power in which I do not actually believe for all of these wonderful people and things in my life, and spend some of my thoughts on the things I plan on doing when I find myself with time to burn. Those things are one of two things: either I will spend some time with my wife (always a priority), or I'll delve into my long mental list of nerdy things that help me unearth a part of me I find very valuable and reassuring. And yes, even if I am screaming at Super Mario 3D World, or grumbling about a ridiculous side story in Dexter, or trying to figure out how much it bothers me that The More Than Complete Hitchhiker's Guide doesn't really have a consistent plot-thread, I still find myself reassured that I am doing something that brings my mind back to a good place.
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